STOP YOUR SPOUSE BEHAVIOR THAT IS DESTROYING YOUR MARRIAGE: PART 1

Is your spouse having an AFFAIR, hooked on POR-N, addicted to DRUGS or ALCOHOL, a WORKAHOLIC, too emotionally close to an OPPOSITE SEX FRIEND, or OBSESSIVE about a hobby or activity? How do you get your spouse to STOP behavior that's destroying your marriage?

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Giving an ultimatum is an interesting idea. I bet a friend or family member even suggested it. I'm sure it's crossed your mind. Maybe it was even advised by your counselor. But will it work?

If you want your spouse to stop that marriage destroying behavior, do NOT give your spouse an ultimatum. It will NOT work. Let me explain why. And let me explain how YOU CAN get your spouse to end their affair or stop their addictive or obsessive behavior. 

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In a sense, it's empowering to think, and even say to your spouse, "Your behavior is unacceptable. And if it doesn't stop, I'm leaving you." An ultimatum offers the ultimate role

reversal. It puts you, the victim, in control. Understandably, that's appealing. And there's no

doubt that in the SHORT RUN, you'll FEEL better. Just because something FEELS good does NOT mean it is good. The question you have to ask yourself is: Will the LONG TERM effect be good? Will an ultimatum give me the result I want? Will it lead to the renewal of my marriage?

The answer is NO.

Now I know what you're thinking, "Aphys, what about TOUGH LOVE? Don't I have to set borders and boundaries?" If you give your spouse an ultimatum, you'll establish clear RULES for your marriage. You'll set borders and boundaries. But, where will the MOTIVATION come from for your spouse to live by the rules? In other words, the rules will be clear, but why would your spouse WANT to adhere to them?

You see, if your spouse is a sex addict, a workaholic, an alcoholic, having an affair, into porn, or involved in any other type of obsessive or destructive behavior, the problem is NOT a lack of rules; it's a lack of MOTIVATION to live by the rules.

Your spouse knows their behavior is wrong. Even if they won't admit it, even if they justify it, deep down they know that their behavior is immoral and that it's destroying your marriage

and soiling their soul. The problem is that they don't care. The problem is that they lack an

internal MOTIVATION to do the right thing.

Your spouse has to WANT to stop. The key is their inner motivation, their WILL. An

ultimatum imposes rules from the outside; it does nothing to address the lack of motivation on the inside. Bottom line: although giving an ultimatum feels good, it misses your target. Your target is your spouse's inner motivation. And how do you affect someone's inner motivation? The secret is to CONNECT with them. Let me explain.

People who make healthy and meaningful connections with other people feel happy and

fulfilled. (Research proves that the single most important factor that determines happiness in

life is CONNECTEDNESS.) People who lack a real emotional connection with others will grasp at anything in an attempt to fill that void in their life. That's what leads people to sex, drugs, alcohol, hours of mindless TV, falling in love over and over again with new people, or an obsessive commitment to money, success, work, or a hobby. These trappings offer a MOMENTARY filling. But the cause of the emptiness your spouse seeks to fill is a lack of a meaningful CONNECTION in their life.

Continue in part two of this article.