TROUBLED MARRIAGE? BE THE CHANGE YOU WANT TO SEE

   


                                   

In your quest to fix your marriage, you may encounter resistance...from your spouse!

Your spouse may dwell on the 101 reasons why "this just won't work for us" and blame you for every one. Or, your spouse may be emotionally "checked-out" of the marriage and not care about your efforts to improve the situation or be willing to extend any effort of their own.

This, by far, is the most common question people ask me: "How do I get my spouse to change?" Why would your spouse resist change in your marriage and what should you do about it?

There's a deep-seated belief in our culture that people resist change, no matter what. But is this true? Do people really want things to remain status quo? Do we really not want things to
change? If you look closely at human nature, it's not change itself we resist; it's change that's
IMPOSED UPON US.

Think about it. We have no problem with change that WE INITIATE. But when we feel forced or manipulated to change, then we resist with all our might. Your spouse may not be willing to change for the sake of your marriage right now, but that's not because your spouse doesn't want a great marriage. Everyone wants a great marriage. It's because if they're going to change, they want the change to be THEIR IDEA!

BUT, I promise you; your spouse will change when they're ready to change and not one second before. And the more you push them, urge them, nudge them, ask them, scream at them, or beg them, the LESS LIKELY they are to change. I know it's hard to wait, but you have to let it come from them.

It's possible someone could INSPIRE your spouse to change, but the person LEAST LIKELY to be the inspiration is YOU. It's sad but true. A complete stranger is more likely to get through to your spouse than you are. A chance experience or encounter is more likely to shake up your spouse than anything YOU could say.

An Ancient Quarrel Continued: The Troubled Marriage of Philosophy and Literature
Victorian Short Stories of Troubled Marriages (Dodo Press)

DEALING WITH BAD MARRIAGE

Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step-by-Step Guide to Help You Decide Whether to Stay In or Get Out of Your Relationship

Are you REALLY dealing with your marital situation?

There are basically 2 ways to cope with a bad marriage. You can either IGNORE it or FOCUS on it. It's the same with any problem in life. Some people RUN from their problems. Other people FACE them.

The irony of this choice is that people who run from their problems seek RELIEF, but end up in PAIN. People who face their issues experience pain, but end up relieved. A problem doesn't go away because you run from it; it GETS WORSE. The EVENTUAL cost of dealing
with it escalates. We get exactly the problems we need in our life to fix the things about ourselves that need fixing.

In other words, your marriage crisis is not coincidental. It wasn't just bad luck. It's a sign that you have a weakness that needs work. And, if you ignore it, the pain will increase until you
finally say, "Okay, I'll deal with this."

It's your spouse's fault. I know. But your marital situation is reflective of some inner work that YOU have to do too. If you don't do it; you'll find yourself in this same situation again. It may not be with the same person, the details may not be immediately recognizable, but I promise you that the pain will not relent until you deal with whatever it is about YOU that's bringing this stress into your life. Deal with it. Don't run. "If things go wrong in the world," Carl Jung said, "something is wrong with ME. Therefore, if I am sensible, I shall put myself right first."

The worst pain comes from avoidance. The healing magic is ATTENTION. The only way out of your suffering is THROUGH IT. The problems in your life are like fingers pointing toward answers to your most crucial questions.

 I know it's your spouse's fault. But whatever is their fault is reflective of their work. The question for you is: What's your fixing? What role did you play in all this? And what can YOU do to improve the situation?

When a Bad Marriage Can Be Good for You

When Bad Things Happen to Good Marriages 

A HUSBAND’S ADVICE TO WIVES ON SEX IN MARRIAGE

The Sex-Starved Marriage: Boosting Your Marriage Libido: A Couple's Guide 

In a counseling session I organized for couples with troubled sex life in their marriage, a husband expressed his mind as to the importance of sex in marriage and how it can help to keeping the marriage intact. I would like to share his thought and advice with you.

“ I believe there is need for you, Dr Aphys, to reiterate the need for our women to admit that sex is highly important in marriage and that it is one of the means of keeping their marriages intact. Most men are not cut out for extra-marital affairs in the real sense of it. They are tempted to go into it for lack what they thought they would get freely and in large quantity without restriction by getting married.

It is believed that you obtain a license to have unlimited sex once you’re publicly proclaimed married, but the reverse is the case. For example, can you believe that throughout the long holiday cum weekend, my wife and I did not have any sex?

What’s then the essence of being together for so long a period as husband and wife duly and legally married? I have had cause to consider having an affair when this started (the opportunities were there), but I always think that she would change. I tried severally to express this.

Her failure to change brought our marriage to this situation where we need counseling to get back on track. Meanwhile, I can say that I am really good at lovemaking. I have been adventurous and I need maximum sex from my wife. She has to change or else……….Please talk to our wives.”

Most part of this voice out is true, where the wife cannot match the sex drive of her husband and is not seen as trying, there will definitely be problem with such a marriage.

In one of my articles on the topic, I wrote that, ‘The place of sex in marriage cannot be overemphasized. It is infact, the bedrock of a good communication and understanding in the home. Sexual relationship between a man and his wife will help them to express their innate feelings for each other’.

The wife’s view of sex affects how her husband feels about her. Unsatisfactory sexual relations are at the root of many marriage problems. In some cases, this is due to the husband’s lack of consideration and understanding of his wife’s physical and emotional needs.

In some cases, it is the wife’s failure to share physically and emotionally in the experience with her husband. The sexual act, willingly and warmly participated in by both husband and wife, should be an intimate expression of the love that they feel for each other.

Rekindling Desire: A Step by Step Program to Help Low-Sex and No-Sex Marriages 

Passionate Marriage: Keeping Love and Intimacy Alive in Committed Relationships 

Resurrecting Sex: Solving Sexual Problems and Revolutionizing Your Relationship     

Date And Acquaintance Rape

Date rape is when someone you know forces you to have sexual intercourse. This can happen when you are out on a date, at a party or in some other social settings. It can happen when people have just met or when two people have been going out for a long time. But, if someone you don’t know well and are not dating, forces you to have sexual intercourse, it is called acquaintance rape. 

Many young women are raped or coerced into having sexual intercourse by their dates, or have their safety seriously compromised by risk-taking partners. Women of all ages are prone to exploitation by males. Teenage girls are more vulnerable to date and acquaintance rape. Young women are especially vulnerable in a society where males assume authority over female. Girls need to learn ways to protect themselves as much as boys need to “unlearn” their disregard for females. In the absence of mutual respect and self-assertion, dating presents another arena for exploitation.

A girl’s inability to communicate assertively may result in assault or unwanted sexual intercourse. Sometimes, the partner who has paid date expenses feels he is entitled to some sexual activity with the partner. To avoid this, either partner or both can pay the date expenses. Dating must never be used as bait for sexual activity.

When we think about force and rape, we often picture someone using knife or gun- or, we think about one person overpowering the other person. But there are other kinds of force. Here are some examples:

·         Threatening to harm the person

·         Making it seem like something even worse will happen if she/he doesn’t give in.

·         Having sexual intercourse with someone who is too drunk or high to say no

·         Not taking no for answer

How can date and acquaintance rape be avoided? If someone is pushing you to have sexual intercourse when you don’t want to:

·         Say no clearly and with force

·         Move away from the person

·         If the person is still not listening to you, get away as fast as you can

·         If the person is trying to use force- fight back!

·         Yell loudly

Remember, a person has the right to say no to sex any time;

·         Even if you have been making out (kissing, cuddling etc)

·         Even if you have been drinking

·         Even if you said yes at first and then changed your mind

·         Even if you have been going out for a long time

·         Even if you nave had sexual intercourse before

·         Even if your date has spent a lot of money

·         Even if you’re dressed in sexy clothes

·         Even if you agreed to go to a secluded place

Things Young People Need To Know About Dating

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Dating describes a relationship between two people who are romantically attracted and committed to knowing each other better in socially enjoyable ways. Although dating implies romantic involvement, it does not routinely involve sex. It is a way of looking at the person’s potential for a more meaningful, longer relationship.

Dating assumes that young people have the freedom to choose a person to go out with. It may also assume that the selection is initiated by one of the two persons, not an adult outsider. Every culture has its own traditions and customs relating to relationships between females and males. In some traditions, couples cannot act on their feelings of mutual attraction openly. They must be introduced and chaperoned, or there is an arrangement agreed by the elders in both families.

Today, these practices continue in some cultures, though many traditions are changing. More and more couples are selecting their own partners, exploring romantic interests before marriage and modifying traditional practices to better suit today’s need. From the media, more and more young people are receiving messages that are idealized and incomplete when it comes to relationships. Young people are behaving with more in-formalities and intimacies which are troubling to elders. This kind of dating may lead to misunderstandings.

It is wrong to think that young people date just to experience sexual activity. Other reasons why young people date are:

1.      Socializing and developing communication skills

2.      Establishing friendships

3.      Companionship

4.      Sharing experiences

5.      Studying together

6.      Getting to understand each other

7.      Opportunity to know self and others better

8.      Sharing recreational activities

9.      Learning about new things.

Boundaries in Dating 

 There are some general guidelines on dating that young people should observe:

       I.            Good communication is very important, particularly around personal values, individual expectations and sexual conduct.

    II.            There must be mutual respect for each other’s wishes, like accepting your date’s refusal to engage in sexual activity.

 III.            Give consideration to parental wishes, like when you should return, drinking of alcohol and/or smoking.

 IV.            Know as much as you can about the other person’s character before accepting to go out with him or her.

    V.            For your personal safety, ensure that someone responsible, like a parent, knows who your date is, your intended destination and expected time of return.

 VI.            Always have a back-up plan for returning home, especially when you don’t know your date very well.

VII.            Avoid the use of alcohol and other mind altering substances that may impair your judgement.

VIII.            Go on group dates to minimize opportunities and temptations to engage in sexual activity.  

Appropriate Behaviours For Dating

For young people who go on dates to protect themselves, get the best behaviours out of their date and get a meaningful, longer lasting relationship, the following tips will be helpful:

1.      Set Limit

·         Set limits for yourself and in your relationship

·         Know how physically intimate you are prepared to be with partner

2.      Communication

·         This is the key to a satisfying relationship

·         Discuss your limits with your partner.

·         Find out what your partner’s limits are.

·         Both of you are responsible for keeping to the limits you have discussed.

·         Do not guess what your partner wants- ask him/her. If your partner says “no”, he/she means “no”.

·         Discuss where you will go on a date, choose a mutually acceptable, safe venue and activity.

3.      Being Assertive

·         Make your decision about setting limits and stick to it.

·         Avoid being passive, no matter how embarrassing it might be to assert yourself.

4.      Go to places where you can participate in a variety of outdoor activities

·         Go on a group date if you don’t feel comfortable alone with your date.

·         Leave the situation if you feel uncomfortable.

·         Make personal plans or arrangements about how to get home if necessary.

·         Do not get stranded without money.

5.      Respect your partner

·         Respect your partner’s value and decisions about limits set, likes and dislikes.

6.      Non-verbal messages

·         Avoid dressing in a way that could be misinterpreted or misunderstood as something different from what is intended.

·         Avoid going alone to an isolated place as it may suggest that sexual intimacy is wanted.

7.      Alcohol and drugs

·         Avoid the use of drugs and alcohol because they increase your vulnerability to sexual abuse.

·         If a dating partner uses drugs or alcohol, be willing to leave the place if things start to get out of hand.

8.      Avoid pornography, sexually explicit films, etc

9.      Avoid night parties without responsible chaperones.

Online Dating for Dummies 

Failure to follow the above tips, may lead to dire consequences. Some of the dangers that can be involved include:

·         Time together alone can lead to sexual involvement, which can result in unwanted pregnancy, STIs or date rape.

·         Pressure to go against family values.

·         Meeting bad friends that can get you into trouble.

·         Going to places that can get you into trouble.

·         Using drugs and alcohol, because the date partner may take advantage of your lack of judgement

Is Your Marriage Problems just Starting? Or Has It Been There All Along

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Is your marriage in trouble? Author of Marriage Fitness featured on national TV tells you how to turn your marriage around.

Many at times when couples have problems in their marriage (whether soon after their marriage or long after their marriage), they look at it as a very dramatic change in their spouse and wonder why things could change so dramatically.

No doubt, there are bound to be problems in marriage. Problems are meant to provide opportunities for couples to sit, talk and resolve issues that threaten the happiness in their marital life. They also provide avenues for them to know more about each other and to make their marriage better and stronger.

Where a particular problem defy every solution that a spouse try, or couples could not actually reach agreement on the best way to resolve that conflict, it may lead to instability in the family. It is common for a spouse or couples to feel that a persistent problem in their marriage is recent, that is, it is just starting.

I know that most of these problems are recent or are reactions to things happening around couples (whether internal or external), a number of them however might have been there for quite a while. There are some problems that couples failed to address while they are dating, such problem may come back to haunt them when they get marry.

Take the case of a man who beats his wife regularly. You will agree with me that, it is pretty difficult for a man to start such a bad habit all of a sudden. Wife beating is not a habit a man picks up easily. Of course, if the problem has been there before they got married- unresolved, then, it will be easier for the same man to go back to that habit.

Another example is the case of a jealous partner. When your partner monitors your movements, read your e-mails, sms, phone calls, and the company you keep, the parties you attend etc, such things if not resolved might cause serious problems when they get married.

An unappreciative partner, a partner that does not have a mind of his/her own, a bullying partner, an unsatisfiable partner, drunkenness, flirting, stealing, bullying etc, are some of the many examples which might cause trouble for spouses who failed to address these issues before they get married (That is , if they notice any of them in their spouse).

The purpose of courting (especially long ones), is for the partners to know each other (character, behavior, interest, habits, likes, dislikes, favorites etc). This is very important because success in doing it means success in their marriages.

When issues like the ones mentioned above happens during courtship, partner should learn to address it decisively. They should not pretend that it is minor (when they are actually major), or instead hope that things will change when they get married.

Sometimes, solving some of these issues might involve counseling, therapy, or treatment. Failure to deal with it can spell doom for couples. Leaving them or sweeping them under the carpet and hoping for a miracle that will change your spouse is asking for troubles. So deal with them before your marriage and make sure your partner is healed, then get marry after. 

If you have problems with your marriage and you want it resolved, click here.