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Friday, March 26, 2010

Sex In Marriage: Beyond Intercourse!

When we become focused on having intercourse as our main sexual play, we end up putting extra unnecessary pressure on males to get and maintain erections. This fact alone can cause erectile problems. But when erection ability is also compromised by health issues or the aging process the pressure can be increased unnecessarily.

We also put too much pressure on the female to be lubricated enough to allow for painless intercourse. As we age, both the ability to get erections and to lubricate reduces. So there are more times when intercourse is not a viable option. What then? Too many people just give up on sex. Please don’t! Sex provides so many benefits.

 Think about it...perhaps intercourse itself has been overrated. Many women would say so because the majority of them cannot have an orgasm through intercourse anyway. For many women most intercourse positions simply don’t supply the necessary rhythm and pressure on the clitoris that is necessary for orgasm to occur.

While losing the ability to have intercourse, either as often as we’d like or at all, is a huge loss...we also need to remember that there are many other ways to be sexual. In general, when intercourse becomes our default sex activity too many other great experiences get missed.

 A more useful focus would be to put our attention on being present with our partners and putting more energy into developing our sensory awareness. While this is important any time, it is even more important as we age when our senses have the tendency to dim.  We live in a culture where sensory overload is our everyday existence. We accept this experience as normal without questioning its impact on us. But one of the repercussions of this situation is the gradual deadening of the senses.

However, when it comes to expanding our sexual expression, we need to do the opposite of shutting our senses down. We want to allow our senses to work at their optimum level again, which requires developing conscious control over the sensory switch. This requires developing a strong sense of presence and sensory awareness.

Focusing on deeper sensory awareness, anyway you can, is a great way to expand sexual potential when intercourse isn’t an option. (Or even when it is)

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Thursday, March 25, 2010

What Love Really Means

Love may be based on many things - physical attraction, family relationship or mutual enjoyment of each others companionship. However, to be of value, love must go beyond affection or mutual attraction and be governed by what is for the highest good of the loved one.
That kind of love can even call for reproving or discipline, as a parent might do with a child. Feelings and emotions are there, of course, but they are not allowed to overrule wise judgement or right principles in dealing with others.
Here are some of what love means and what love is not:

1. Love is long-suffering and kind. Are you long-suffering with your mate? Even when a situation tends to provoke, and perhaps unfair accusation are made, do you exercise restraint?
2. Love does not approve of wrongdoing, but it is not 'picky'. It is not impatient. It takes into account extenuating circumstances. And even in serious matters, it is ready to forgive.
3. Love is not jealous: It is difficult to live with a mate who is jealous without genuine cause. Such jealousy is suspicious, and overly possessive. It is childish and restrains the other person from being natural and friendly around others. Happiness is in giving freely, not in meeting a jealous demand.
4. Love does not brag or get puffed up: Many people do brag, but very few people like to hear bragging. Infact, it may embarrass anyone who knows the braggart well. While some people brag by talking about themselves in a boastful manner, others accomplish the same thing in another way- they criticise and run down others, and by comparison, this tends to elevate them above their victims. Belittling one's mate is really a way of bragging about oneself.
5. Love does not behave indecently. There are many things that are strikingly indecent such as cheating, drunkenness and fits of anger. All of these cause damage to marriage. Rudeness, vulgar speech and actions as well as neglecting personal cleanliness, all show a lack of decency.
6. Love those not look for its own interests. It is not self-centred. Approaching situations with the best interests of both at heart will help you to say the right things. By fighting down the impulse to continue an argument and prove yourself right, you can gain a victory in favour of love.
7. Love rejoices with the truth: It does not think it clever to deceive one's mate- whether as to the use of one's time, the spending of money, or in one's association. It does not employ half-truths in order to appear righteous. Dishonesty destroys confidence. For there to be genuine love, both of you must rejoice to communicate the truth.

How do I know if I married the right person?


When marriages experience problems, it is not uncommon for one or both spouses in such troubled marriage to wonder whether they married the right person. Even in marriages that are not troubled, spouses often ask themselves,’ did I marry the right person?’In many of the counselling session I had with married spouses, the question ‘how do I know if I married the right person?’


Well, here is the answer.


EVERY relationship has a cycle. In the beginning, you fell in love with your spouse. You anticipated their call, wanted their touch, and liked their idiosyncrasies. Falling in love with your spouse wasn't hard. In fact, it was a completely spontaneous experience. You didn't have to DO anything. That's why it's called "falling" in love - because it's happening TO YOU.


People in love sometimes say, "I was swept off my feet." Think about the imagery of that expression. It implies that you were just standing there; doing nothing, and then something came along and happened TO YOU.  Falling in love is easy. It's a passive, spontaneous experience.


But after a few years of marriage, the euphoria of love fades. It's the natural cycle of EVERY relationship. Slowly but surely, phone calls become a bother (if they come at all), touch is not always welcome (when it happens), and your spouse's idiosyncrasies, instead of being cute, drive you nuts.


The symptoms of this stage vary with every relationship, but if you think about your marriage, you will notice a dramatic difference between the initial stage when you were in love and a much duller or even angry subsequent stage.


At this point, you and/or your spouse might start asking, "Did I marry the right person?" And as you and your spouse reflect on the euphoria of the love you once had, you may begin to desire that experience with someone else. This is when marriages break down. People blame their spouse for their unhappiness and look outside their marriage for fulfillment.


Extramarital fulfillment comes in all shapes and sizes. Infidelity is the most obvious. But sometimes people turn to work, church, a hobby, a friendship, excessive TV, or abusive substances.But the answer to this dilemma does NOT lie outside your marriage. It lies within it.


I'm not saying that you couldn't fall in love with someone else. You could. And TEMPORARILY you'd feel better. But you'd be in the same situation a few years later. Because, THE KEY TO SUCCEEDING IN MARRIAGE IS NOT FINDING THE RIGHT PERSON; IT'S LEARNING TO LOVE THE PERSON YOU FOUND.


SUSTAINING love is not a passive or spontaneous experience. It'll NEVER just happen to you. You can't "find" LASTING love. You have to "make" it day in and day out. That's why we have the expression "the labor of love." Because it takes time, effort, and energy. And most importantly, it takes WISDOM. You have to know WHAT TO DO TO make your marriage work.


And, make no mistake about it. Love is NOT a mystery. There are specific things you can do (with or without your spouse) to succeed with your marriage. Just as there are physical laws of the universe (such as gravity), there are also laws for relationships. Just as the right diet and exercise program makes you physically stronger,
certain habits in your relationship WILL make your marriage stronger. It's a direct cause and
effect. If you know and apply the laws, the results are predictable - you can "make" love.



I hope the insights and tips I've given you in this article help improve your marriage...it has mine. If you still need more help or other helpful short report, click the image below.
Fix Your Marriage

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Should I tell my partner about a sexual affair?

How honest can we be in relationships? This is a common concern among couples striving for intimate relationships.


 Couples often discuss the importance of being honest and truthful within their relationships. A common question I’m asked is: “Should I tell my partner about a sexual affair”. While dealing with the issue of affairs is a common theme in couple counselling, I would not advise a client to tell their partner about an affair, even if I believed that to be the best course of action. However, I will always give them the following information to help them make their choice.
 

First of all, secrets are very destructive, whether the topic is abuse, addiction, or sexual affairs. Secrets within families are responsible for many of our psychological and emotional problems. With secrets in the way, family problems do not get addressed. And when they don’t get addressed, they fester from one generation to another. They also have the potential to make people ill and create neurotic behaviors, simply because of the worry of being “found out”. 


In specific regard to sexual affairs there are of course other factors to consider. The fact that the affair occurred in the first place, often indicates a lack of intimacy in the relationship.  One hopes to find missing closeness by going outside the relationship. One rarely does find it because the capacity for intimacy lies within our own ability to be open and honest with ourselves and others. So searching for another partner to meet this need, rarely works. Adding another secret to withhold only creates more distance in the relationship. 


I would then go on to help a client see the consequences of either continuing on with the secret or becoming honest about their behavior. For example, it’s important for people to understand that telling about an affair can cause the end of the relationship. Obviously, this is a very difficult choice to make, especially where children and finances are involved. On the other hand, I don’t believe the relationship can become healthy with secrets in the way. Usually, people already are aware of this. That’s what brings the subject up to the counsellor in the first place. Deep down, most of us know the destructiveness of secrets and lies. 


Sometimes, when this information has been shared, people decide in favor of truth and are willing to face the consequences of their behavior. They don’t do this because of what I’ve said, but because living with secrets and lies is simply too difficult. 


At other times, people opt to stay trapped in their secrets. They accept that the consequence of this will be a more distant relationship. They decide to settle for less intimacy in order to reduce the risk of ending their marriages.  I honor both courses of action because my goal is to help people make more informed choices in their lives.

 

Monday, March 22, 2010

Know Yourself Before You Get Marry

Most people that get married actually didn’t know themselves before getting married. It might sound strange, but it is really true. Before you say, ‘that can be true’, answer the following questions honestly. What are your weaknesses? Your strength? Your passion? Etc. See what I mean?


Before setting out the journey to marital live, you need to honestly ask yourself these questions and answer them without any sentiment. Being able to answer these questions will help any individual to be able to know his/her values. These values are eternal and internal, they are timeless, essential and are enduring tenets that define who we are and how we manage issues as it affects us.


Therefore, the road to marriage success starts we need know ourselves. We need to know the following : Our weakness, our strength, our skill, our likes, our dislikes, our passions.


Our weakness. These can bring us down and bring conflicts, problems, misunderstanding, and eventually, divorce to our marriage. It will bring us to fail. Identifying our weakness means that 50% of the battle towards marriage success is won- the easy 50%. Now we need to compensate for these weaknesses and this is the other 50%- the hard part. You need to think (be objective), plan and execute your plan, the key is discipline; what are your personal weakness.

Our strength. These are our skills, those things that we are good at. They the things that we do very well, flawlessly. It is perhaps the distinguishing factor that differentiate a good spouse (who has solution to most problems, manage situations very well without allowing it to degenerate).

Our Skill. With skill comes strength, when these two are honed together will distinguish our marriage. It is God given tool for progress. Identify them, work on them and leverage them. The key again is discipline.

Our Passion. This is a strong powerful, compelling emotion; it enables us to go beyond the normal regular call in our marriage. Passion is the secret to identifying and leveraging our strength and skill.

Our Vision. This is a mental picture of what we want in our marriage, how we want our home and marital life to be. The problem is, we don’t marriage as an institution that we need to set goals for, just like in our career. There is need for a statement of purpose detailing the course we want our married life to take.


Never underestimate the power of GOAL setting. Goals provide a clear target and are measurable. List the goals you hope to achieve in your marriage right before you get married. A little stretch might be needed to be able to achieve them. Success in your marriage (or in any endeavor) demand more from an individual than most people are willing to offer, but not more than they are capable of offering.


Take RESPONSIBILITY- it is your marriage. Accept personal responsibility for your own vision and goals for your marriage, no one can do it for you (not even your spouse).

The Different Kinds Of Friends

There are different types of friends. While some are close friends, others are not so close; yet others are mere acquaintances, i.e. people you know but do not consider as friends. The social and cultural environments often influence friendships. The view used to be prevalent that friendships between males and females should be discouraged between puberty and marriage. This erroneous view is rooted in the belief that males and females cannot relate to each other in a caring way without having shared sexual activities.


It is a view supported by traditions that deny women the right to decline sexual advances from men with whom they seek friendship. Friendship between young people should not be discouraged on these grounds. Both need special attention during this time. However, young people making friends across the lines of gender divide should observe certain important precautions. The female will need to avoid the pitfalls of early and unwanted sexual intercourse. Guys will need to develop respect for the opposite sex as their equals. There should be no expectation that shared sexual activity is necessary in a friendship, even when the friends are of the opposite sex. Indeed, sexual activity in a relationship does not necessarily indicate that there is a friendship.


There are qualities and/or behaviours that enhance friendship. These include Forgiveness, trust, loyalty, ability to keep confidences, cooperation, honesty, shared interest, support during good and bad times, reliability, empathy, respect, understanding, affection, and sympathy.


There are also ways of improving friendship. These among others include; having group activities, sharing information, exchanging gifts, sharing goals and aspirations, visiting each other’s family and other friends, dating, with no expectation for shared sexual activity, solving assignments together, giving support in times of trouble, making positive comments about each other, and having fun together.


Ofcourse, while we should know about how to build trust in friendship, we should know that there are some behavior that could be detrimental to friendship. These are gossiping, disclosing confidential information, bullying, peer pressure, dishonesty, selfishness, suspicion, disrespect, misunderstanding and betrayal of trust. So we must learn to keep away from doing these things.

   

The Meaning Of Friendship

Friendship is a state of being emotionally attached to another person, resulting from feelings of affection. It is also a warm and intimate relationship with someone you like and trust. It often does not involve any sexual interactions. Friends provide a basic source of happiness, pleasure and companionship. Friendship is very crucial to adolescents because it helps to ease the transition from childhood to adulthood. It also provides opportunity for acquiring experiences, which would aid the process of developing a self-identity and enhance the ability to socialize, develop appropriate inter-personal communication and conflict management skills.


Friendships are among the most important relationship we form in life. Through friendship, individuals come to know, trust, and depend on each other for affection, acceptance and support. The most important relationships outside of the family are those we establish with our friends.

True friendship involves:

·         Mutual respect, which means relating with others in ways that honor their personal values, decisions and choices, even if they differ from ours.

·         Acceptance of people as they are and not always trying to change or make them live up to our own expectations.

·         Honest communication, which is the sharing of truth and being able to talk about sensitive issues or negative behaviors without malice.

·         Support, which involves being able to support each other consistently; being able to depend upon someone.


Other things that draw people together in friendship may include: common interest, similarity of values and attitude, warmth, ability to keep confidences, age, background, loyalty and gender.


The avenues through which friendship can be made include: peer group, neighborhood, school/class mates, religious gatherings, workplace, and playgroup. Friendship is so important because:

·         People learn social skills from friendship

·         It provide opportunity for people to share experiences

·         It promote self-esteem

·         It helps build self-confidence

·         It provides companionship

·         It involves fun, sharing and caring

·         It promotes mutual respect

·         Appropriate inter-personal communication skills are developed 

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