Marriage Counseling: Using Games to Reduce Tension

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Marriage is one of the most enjoyable but also one of the most painful experiences that people undergo. It carries with it the whiff of romance and eternal bliss, but sometimes you get a pack of thorns instead.

How Do You Ensure Your Marriage Is a Bed of Roses and not Thorns?
One of the major ingredients that a happy marriage needs is a willingness to compromise. But that is much more difficult than it seems. Everyone will agree that they need to compromise, but what happens when the issue is not a simple and tiny one? What then? Who Compromises first? I am sure you must have said to yourself at one point or another that enough is enough. You will no longer be the patsy. You are an independent person and your partner has crossed the line. Maybe.

Maybe your relationship has died and you are just beginning to realize it. Maybe your sentiments are more passionate than romantic. Maybe you no longer love her.

Stop being a fool!
What if I told you that the solution to your marital strife is not divorce. Am I mad?

Look around. How many divorces do you know? Plenty. Me too. But are they really happier off?

What is the first thing that a divorced person does? He or she goes out and starts looking for partners.

Isn't that strange? No. You say that everybody needs somebody to love. Maybe. I say that they had that somebody and they just let them go. So please stop being foolish.

Why not tackle your problems with a simple suggestion? A Game.

Games as a Peace Maker:
Playing brings out the child in us and causes us to express more than we normally would. We also release bottled up frustration and let go of mental thorns in our outbursts of joy and anguish as we win or lose. Games unite people together and therefore I suggest playing together but if you wish one can play against the other. The game turns into a battle but only this time, after its over, you will both feel refreshed from losing all that bottled up pain and anger.

Games to Pick From:
Try picking games that both of you like or at least somewhat active ones. You could even play hide and seek in the house or something else. If you do prefer playing cards, pick a game which does not go on for long and which requires some thinking like hearts, poker, bridge or rummy. Keep score and determine before hand that the loser has to do something for the winner. Chores is not a prize for the winner! If you lose you have to do something that that the other person wants for themselves like give them their favorite massage or cook them their favorite meal.

Conclusion:
Games are a welcome ambrosia to love and will excite you as a couple to disregard all your frustrations and anger and deal only with the good. The anger and frustrations will not magically disappear, but now you can deal with them together calmly and in a good mood.

Emotional Infidelity: A KEY Tactic to Save the Marriage

Hearing that your cheating spouse is “in love” with someone else is devastating. I hear often, “I can handle her having sex with someone else. I think I can live with that. But, for her to give herself emotionally and “love” someone else…man, that is hard.” (Feel free to substitute the word he for she in this article.)

What can you specifically do to increase the odds of saving the marriage?

So often the offended spouse reacts with intense feelings and pulls out all stops to “win her back.” 

He applies pressure. Begs. Cajoles. Makes promises. Gets in her face. Sends flowers. Arranges for dates. Talks to her family and friends. Calls her on the phone. Asks questions… daily, sometimes hourly. He is on her like a fly on doo-doo. 

It doesn’t work.Why? Well, for one reason she has found all the stimulation and excitement she supposedly needs in her new found “love.” 

At a deeper level this is confusing enough for the cheating husband or cheating wife. Any additional input will be overwhelming and she is liable to close the door on the marriage even further. Plus, she is really looking for some stability, some solid centered core that will hold her firm when the wind of drama entices her and blows around her.

If you bombard her with your neediness, you are certainly not the person who can help her in ways she really seeks.

She also is liable to create a polarity and begin comparing you to him. With your neediness dripping all over you, you don’t stand a very good chance of coming out on top. Sorry! 

Here’s a tactic that helps solve the dilemma and gives you a greater chance of saving the marriage.It’s called “back off!” 

Stop pressing. Slow down the pace. Be silent – most of the time. Stop making requests. Stop asking questions. Stop trying to wiggle out some assurance. Stop being a pain!

Remember, this “in love” state will fade. You need to have the confidence that it will. You need patience. The relationship will run its course. 

She needs the space. She needs some quiet moments to truly hear herself and face the emptiness within. There will be a voice within her that says, “This will not last. Is this what I really want? At some time I must live in the real world. Where is this taking me? Is this where I really want to go? Why am I so dependent on him? Why do I feel this empty pit in my stomach when I’m not with him? What does this say about me?”

This is her opportunity to learn about TRUE love. Don’t get in her way. 

I know. I know. This is easier said than done. But, you must do it. It is vitally important that you learn to quiet yourself, control yourself and keep on the straight and narrow path. 

At this point with those I coach, I teach them a skill called "charging neutral" to help "back off." Use that skill.This will take some effort. It might take some coaching or therapy. It most likely will demand that you get to know yourself better, that you gain more confidence in you – apart from what she does with him – that you build a strong foundation under yourself that can weather any storm. 

This is your opportunity to grow to another level. 

Oh, by the way. She will notice! And….she might like it.

Backing off does not mean that you don’t have anything to do with her. Quite the contrary. You want to maintain your contact with her, but it will be QUALITY contact. It will be contact that does honor to you, confronts her with the reality of her decisions and works toward resolution for the marriage.

Summary: Less often means more when facing emotional infidelity. Learning a specific skill such as "backing off" enhances one's chance to save the marriage.

Can You Save Your Marriage?

How to save your marriage is not exactly the same for one person as it is the next. It's true that in most cases a marriage can be improved with a few simple steps, but the amount of improvement varies from marriage to marriage-check out these tips to help get your back on track...

How To Save Your Marriage 1

You need to get the communication back. Communication is usually one of the first things that dries up in a problematic marriage, and that in itself leads to a lot of other problems. To help you both communicate more effectively set aside a certain amount of time each day to share with each other. During that time, talk over your days and ask questions of each other. Find out what it is that made you want to communicate with each other to begin with. After a few days of doing this you should find your communication skills are beginning to come back for each other.

How To Save Your Marriage 2

Spend some quality time together. It's a little bit of a cliché, but a nice trip or a few days spent outside your usual relationship area can do wonders for you both. Even better, if you can make trips or activities like this a habit, as it will help you learn how to interact with each other in a fun and loving fashion again. These days it's all too easy to let our communications boil down to the bear minimum, so try not to let this happen.

How To Save Your Marriage 3

Brush up on your listening skills. Sometimes when you get to know someone so well, it's almost as if you feel you no longer need to engage them or listen to them in conversation. If you can become a better listener you can prove to your partner that you are engaged in their life and that you respect their opinions. Is there anyone that doesn't want that? Simply by starting and actively participating in conversations with them you will be strengthening your bond, and you'll notice your partner is more interested in you too.

How To Save Your Marriage 4

Don't let the finance ruin the romance. Life can be very tough when money is an issue in a marriage. Financial problems are often ongoing and unlikely to be solved in short order, so it's a great idea to develop a set of rules for you both. If you both abide to a pre-conceived idea about how you will take care of the finances, the problems and arguments should be minimized.

How To Save Your Marriage 5

Make it fun. A marriage should be in place due to the amount of fun you have had with each other at some point. If you've removed the fun and replaced it with the mundanity of everyday life, how can you possibly expect the marriage to survive? It's an excellent idea to have some activities or hobbies to get involved with together-these can very easily become “your” way to spend time and have fun with each other.

As you've seen, the answer to the question “how to save a marriage?” varies widely from relationship to relationship, but hopefully you will find something of use in this article. Check out the links below for some great marriage advice.

Common Mistakes Cheaters Make In Relationships

Do you suspect that your spouse or your romantic partner is cheating on you?  If you do, you may be looking for ways to catch him or her in action.  Fortunately for you, this may be easier to do than you originally thought.  Why?  Because many cheaters make simple, yet costly mistakes in their relationships. 

As stated above, many cheaters make mistakes.  These mistakes can actually make it much easier for you to catch your cheating spouse or romantic partner.  A few of the common mistakes that cheaters, both men and women, make are outlined below.

Mistake # 1 – Believing They Won’t Get Caught

The biggest mistake that cheaters make is believing that they won’t get caught.  This often leads cheaters to become bolder, braver, as well as display reckless behavior.  Yes, it is true that some men and women are able to carry on affairs for years without their spouses or romantic partners knowing, but this is actually quite rare.  Due to the other mistakes that are listed below, most cheaters end up getting caught at one time or another.

Mistake # 2 – Believing Their Partner Will Forgive Them

If you are unfortunate enough to learn that your spouse or romantic partner is cheating on you, you may be surprised with their actions.  Many cheaters, regardless of gender, appear shocked when their significant other is upset.  This is because many cheaters expect their partners to automatically forgive them, like by writing off the cheating as a simple mistake. 

Mistake # 3 – Believing They Did or Are Doing Nothing Wrong

As previously stated, many cheaters expect not to get caught and those who do get caught expect to be forgiven right away.  These same individuals likely believe that they aren’t doing anything wrong.  The good news for you though is that men and women who assume they aren’t doing anything wrong by cheating, don’t always cover their tracks.  This means that it should be easier for you to catch a cheating spouse or romantic partner and take the appropriate action.

Mistake # 4 – Changing Their Appearance

When men and women have affairs, they often feel revived.  This often results in them wanting to take better care of themselves and improve their physical appearance.  Of course, it is important to remember that there may be a good reason for your significant other to get a makeover or change their wardrobe, but it is often a sign of cheating.  In fact, it is such a common and well-known sign that you have to wonder what your significant other is thinking when openly making these changes.

Mistake # 5 – Making Themselves Unavailable

When a husband, wife, boyfriend, or girlfriend suspects that their partner is cheating on them, they often try and contact their significant other whey they don’t know where they are.  This contact is often made by phone.  One mistake that cheaters make is not picking up the phone.  Yes, they are probably “busy,” but cheaters who answer the phone and come up with a plausible excuse for not being home or being out of reach, are likely to get away with cheating longer.

Mistake # 6 – Talking Too Much or Flaunting Affair

In keeping with the mistake of believing that they will get away with it, many cheaters make the mistake of talking about their affair or getting braver.  This may involve going out in public, as opposed to meeting in secret.  What many cheaters do not realize is that people talk, even the people who they believe they can trust and those closest to them.  In fact, this is how many people become aware of a cheating spouse or romantic partner; they hear the rumors that are flying.

The above mentioned mistakes are just a few of the many, but common mistakes that cheaters make.  Be on the lookout for a few of these mistakes, as they may be a good sign that you significant other is cheating on you.

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Can You Save A Marriage Alone?

We Can Work It Out: How to Solve Conflicts, Save Your Marriage (Perigee)

The unfortunate question asked by the plenty of people. Today, many couples are facing some or the other problems in their married life. The first few years of married life are cheerful, but after some years, problems may arise due to conflicts along with bitterness and some misunderstanding. Generally, nobody directly thinks of breaking a marriage as it is hurting to both the partners. Every couple tries to find out some ways to resolve the problems in their married life and save a marriage.

Once you agree that there are some problems in your married life, you may need to think and find the reasons why. Off-course, it will be just like a one-way traffic and it is quiet difficult that you alone should try to improve your relations. Your partner should equally respond to your efforts to save your marriage. However, you must make some efforts to find out the problems in your married life and develop some qualities within you to maintain better relationships.

The first step you may need to take in order to save your marriage is to bring back the spark in your relationship again. It is very important to spend time with each other. You may use this time to relax and enjoy in each other’s company and recall the moments that you had spent together.

Marriage Fitness: 4 Steps to Building & Maintaining Phenomenal Love

This may help to do away with the misunderstandings and resolve the conflict if any. You should show deep love for your partner and make him/her feel how much you need him/her. Love is an important bridge in a married life that may keep the couple bound together. You may send a romantic message to your partner or arrange for the romantic outings.

Self-assessment is a very important solution to the question can you save a marriage alone. You should be able to realize your mistakes and develop ways to improve your behavior. Avoid the things that may hurt your partner. The conflicts in married life may be due to ego or some misunderstandings. Hence, you should give away your ego and should take an initiative to resolve the problems in your married life. You should be ready for the compromises it demands.
How to Save Your Marriage Alone

Good communication is a very important factor for developing healthy relationships. You should share all your problems, expectations and feelings with your partner. Communication is not limited to just talking with others, but you should be able to listen to your partner and understand him/ her. The most important thing is that you should fully trust your partner and have faith in your relationship.

Keeping the marital relations alive is very challenging. Always remember that during the course of time, both the partners may change. It is also very important to learn how to deal with these changes. Off-course, it requires efforts and cooperation from both sides. But, you can take an initiative from your side and start to work on the problems in married life.

If you are still wondering, can you save a marriage alone, and then the answer is yes! You can save a marriage alone if you are ready to put in some efforts first.

 

Reasons Many Marriages Go Bad

Approximately 50% of all Matrimony fail and many of those don’t even make it past the first year. Understanding why these Matrimony fail can be key to ensuring that your own Marriages does not fail. Some factors that contribute to the failure of a Matrimony include a lack of communication or poor communication, financial issues and even the circumstances of the Wedlock. All of these issues can exist in a healthy and enduring Matrimony but if they are not dealt with properly they can lead to the failure of the Matrimony.

Communication is critical to the success of a Wedlock. Without proper communication, conflict resolution becomes a difficult issue. If the couple lacks the communication skills necessary to sort out their troubles, then even the smallest problems will become insuperable[/. Communication allows a relationship to [spin]grow and thrive by giving the partners an opportunity to share their dreams, fears, hopes and wants with each other. Without sharing in this way a couple will not grow as close together as possible. Communication also gives the couple a healthy way to resolve their arguments. If one or both partners lack effective communications skills it becomes difficult to resolve arguments because the couple is not able to understand each other’s points of view. If the Matrimony is already in trouble, both partners in the Matrimony must be dedicated to working on their communication skills in order to improve or salvage their Wedlock. The lack of effective communication techniques can lead to the failure of a Matrimony.

Love may conquer all but sometimes even love isn’t enough to save a Wedlock when there are significant fiscal concerns. While fiscal concerns in and of themselves may not be the cause of a failed Marriages the tension that financial concerns create is often the culprit in a failed Wedlock. Money concerns can be a heavy burden to bear and when a spouse is struggling to meet their financial obligations, there can be a great amount of force in the relationship. This pressure may be enough to destroy an otherwise healthy Wedlock. If one of the partners in the Wedlock becomes obsessed with the marital finances they can begin to neglect other aspects of the Marriages. This ignoring behavior has the affect of making the spouse feel ignored and lonely which can be damaging to a Marriages. Often one of the partners will become consumed with the fiscal affairs and this can be very damaging to a Wedlock. **REPRINT** Is marriage a failure?

Even the conditions surrounding the Wedlock can lead to its failure.Lasting Love: How to Avoid Marital Failure . A Marriages of convenience is often not a healthy Marriages. When the decision to wed is based on something other than true love, it is likely that the Wedlock will fail. Some examples of Matrimony circumstances that often lead to failure are getting married because there is a baby on the way or because the couple is feeling pressure to get married by friends and family members. Neither of these reasons are truly valid grounds for marriage and often leads to divorce. When a couple marries for reasons other than true love the marriage is often doomed before it starts. Marrying too young is another reason why many marriage fail. While the right age to marry varies greatly depending on the person, many people argue that the teens and early twenties are too early to get wedded. Getting wedded before you have had a chance to enjoy many of life’s experiences can result in resentfulness in the Matrimony and can be the cause of failure of the Matrimony.

Another reason why most Wedlock fail is that society no longer places importance on the institution of Matrimony. Today it is common for couples to live together and have children without being love. This degeneration of society reduces Wedlock and results in a higher percentage of failed Wedlock. With so little value placed on Marriages in today’s society, couples are not committed to making their Matrimony work and are often quick to give up on the Matrimony and each other.

Most Matrimony today are doomed before they even begin. Wedlock is no longer seen as a necessary step in a relationship so many couples are quick to divorce without making an true effort to resolve their problems. Communication breakdown, financial problems as well as circumstances of the Matrimony are all problems that can cause many Wedlock to fail.

Predicting success or failure in marriage, (Prentice-Hall sociology series)

Don’t Just SAY You’re Sorry – Prove It

The words, “I’m sorry” can get us out of trouble when we’ve done something wrong or hurt someone we care about but the key to a good apology is really meaning it and convincing the other person that you are truly remorseful.  Apologizing just for the sake of keeping the peace is not an effective way to apologize.  In doing so the recipient of the apology will most likely see through you and realize that your apology is insincere.  A sincere and well timed apology, however, will help to mend the relationship that was harmed by your words or actions. 

The most important way to prove that you are truly sorry for hurting someone is to ensure that the hurtful action is not repeated.  Apologizing over and over while continuing to make the same mistake shows that your apology is not really sincere.  On the other hand if you really mean that you are sorry for an action you will take careful steps not to repeat this action.  Apologizing for your actions is one thing but being cautious not to repeat your actions really proves that you are indeed sorry. 

Being specific regarding the reason for your apology also really proves that you are sorry.  Many people are quick to offer an apology when they realize someone is upset with them but often they don’t take the time to figure out why the other person is upset.  Apologizing without stating the reason for the apology shows that you don’t understand the problem and that you aren’t sincere in your apology.  This is not an effective way to make an apology.  However, if you offer a specific reason for your apology you are proving that you understand what you did to hurt the other person and that do not want to repeat that action. 

Another way to prove that your apology is authentic is to be sure to offer the apology in person.  Having a third party speak to the person you have offended or apologizing via email or voice mail conveys a lack of caring.  This kind of apology shows that you aren’t truly sorry for your actions.  Meeting with the person face to face to have a sincere conversation and offer your apology is one way to really prove that you are sorry.  It shows that you care enough about the other person to meet with them directly to try to make amends for your contributions to the disagreement. 

In apologizing, if you want to prove that you really mean it, be careful not to place blame on the person you are apologizing to.  Your apology is about telling the other person why you believe that you did something wrong.  While they may have contributed to the situation, now is not the time to point out their faults.  Instead take full responsibility for what you have done wrong.  Accepting full responsibility for your actions and apologizing for them without placing blame on the other person will prove that your apology is sincere. 

A genuine apology will also include telling the other person why your actions were wrong and how you intend to avoid hurting them in the future.  Doing this proves to them not only that you understand you were wrong but that you understand why you were wrong.  It also lets them know that you have already formulated a plan of action to ensure that this situation does not arise in the future. 

The timing of your apology can also help to prove that you really are sorry.  Waiting too long to apologize may show that you don’t really care and that you are simply apologizing as an afterthought.  An apology that is made too early may risk being ignored because the recipient of the apology is still too upset to listen to what you are saying.  It’s important to give the other person a chance to vent their anger and calm down before rushing to apologize.  After a reasonable amount of time approach them and let them know that you understand their anger and believe that it is justified and that you wanted to give them a chance to calm down before apologizing. 
Sometimes it is not enough to simply apologize for your words or actions.  It is often necessary to not only apologize but to also prove that your apology is sincere.  A truly sincere apology proves that you are sorry by addressing the issue and acknowledging what you have done wrong while validating the other person’s right to be angry and addressing how you will avoid similar actions in the future.

Humorous Apology Note Pad - 50 sheets

How to Choose a Marriage Counselor

Admitting you need the assistance of a marriage counselor is the first step to salvaging your troubled marriage.  Once you and your partner have acknowledged your need for professional help, the two of you will need to choose a counselor together.  Choosing a marriage counselor is a very personal thing.  The right counselor for you and your spouse is the one that you both feel comfortable with and have confidence in their ability to help you resolve your problems.  You may find counselors who come highly recommended and who have helped friends and family members of yours but unless you have faith in the counselor they won’t be able to help you.  Choosing a marriage counselor may be hindered by the fact that your marital relationship is already troubled but it’s important that you work together to choose the right marriage counselor if you are serious about saving your relationship. 

Seeking recommendations from trusted friends and family members who have employed the use of a marriage counselor is a good place to start your search.  You can take the opportunity to ask your friends and relatives what they liked and didn’t like about the counselor who helped them and use this information to determine whether or not you have any interest in having a consultation with their recommended counselor.  In speaking to your friend or relative try to ask questions that elicit specific responses about the marriage counselor’s demeanor and techniques without asking your trusted source to divulge any sensitive details about their counseling sessions.  You need to understand that worked for others may not help your marriage but having a few trusted persons make recommendations is a good place to begin your search. 

Next, utilize the Internet to research marriage counselors in your area.  Look for counselors who have web pages that describe their education, life experience and techniques for conflict resolution.  This type of information is useful for deciding before you even meet them if you think they can help you.  If there is anything about their website that bothers you, trust your instincts and cross them off your list of potential marriage counselors.  Trusting your marriage counselor is extremely important so if there is anything that bothers you right away, then they aren’t the right counselor for you because you will go into the sessions feeling guarded which will hinder your progress.

In a relationship that is already troubled, it might be worthwhile to do the preliminary research on available marriage counselors separately.  This will allow the two of you to decide what you are looking for in a marriage counselor without further complicating any pre-existing issues in your marriage.  Seek recommendations from friends and family members and do your Internet research separately.  Once you have both compiled a list of potential counselors compare your lists and agree to interview those that overlap on your lists.  If you do not have any overlap, agree to each choose two candidates and meet with these four marriage counselors in the next step of the process. 

Once you have selected a few potential marriage counselors, it is time to set up initial consultations with each of them.  These consultations will give you the opportunity to meet with each counselor to get to know them a little better and learn about their conflict resolution strategies.  It is also a chance to determine how comfortable you feel around this counselor and whether you will be able to open up to him or her and express your true feelings.  This is also your opportunity to decide whether or not you truly have faith that this marriage counselor is the one that can save your marriage.  Prepare for these sessions ahead of time by coming up with a list of questions that will help you to obtain a better understanding of the counselor and their methods.  In coming up with these questions, either work together with your spouse to develop a list of questions or encourage your spouse to do so on their own so that you are both prepared for the initial consultation.  As with your Internet research if there is something you just don’t trust about one of the marriage counselors in your initial consultations then trust your gut and eliminate them from your list.  An initial consultation is an excellent way to get all your questions about the marriage counselor answered and to become acquainted with the counselor on a personal level.  Your initial consultation with a marriage counselor is probably the most important step in determining if they are right for you and your spouse so take this step very seriously.

Once you and your counselor have met with all of the marriage counselors on your proposed list, it is time to make your decision.  Hopefully, the two of you will agree on a counselor and will be able to begin your sessions immediately but if you can’t reach an agreement try another method to determining which counselor to choose.  You could try a method such as having each partner rank the candidates from 1-4 in order of preference and then agree to choose the counselor who receives the lowest combined score.  While this method may sound silly, it is important to remember that you are going to counseling because there is a problem in your marriage and further aggregating the problem by arguing over a marriage counselor may lead to one of the partners deciding that counseling isn’t worth it and giving up on the relationship. 

Choosing a marriage counselor can be a difficult and stressful process but it’s imperative to remember that this is an extremely important decision that deserves your utmost attention.  Choosing the right marriage counselor is critical to the success of the counseling sessions.  An already troubled marriage can be further weakened by the process of choosing a marriage counselor so you and your partner should exercise caution not to allow yourselves to argue over this process.  The right marriage counselor will be able to salvage your relationship as long as you and your spouse are committed to using the counseling to solve your problems.

Couples Beware: Immoral Sexual Traps

Sex is a very important divine gift of every married couple. It is an honorable and exclusive reserve for the married partners. The resistance to the emotional sin of sexual immorality solely depends on one’s spiritual ability and capability. Some see nothing too wrong with this, but everything is wrong with it. You see, it is a covenant broken and this will open the door for the destruction of the foundation of your marriage- Trust.


The devil will never give up in wanting to destroy the TRUST in your marriage, it will make endless incursions using all manner of tricks and traps to cause an unsuspecting partner(s) to fall into the sin of lust, and then extra-marital affair. You can choose to ignore these numerous tricks at your own peril.

Here are some of the traps and tricks:

1. When an opposite sex shakes your hand and holds the hands endlessly.

2. When you are lavishly admired by an opposite sex at the expense of others.

3. When an opposite sex blocks your way almost all the time for a body contact.

4. A co-worker (an opposite sex) prefers to walk a very long distance to seek your help or borrow an item from you, which is available within reach.

5. Anyone who provokes your body almost all the time when talking to you physically or on the phone or through sms.

6. Take a stand on sexual immorality. Maintain it.

7. If an opposite sex treats the sin of lust, romance, hugging and sex as nothing serious.

8. When you start admiring the shape, stature and other sensitive parts of an opposite sex.

9. When you are told, ”Don’t let your partner hear what we have discussed”

10. When the opposite sex offers you a gifts like underwear, sanitary items, condoms, etc

11. When given a gift or cash with the instruction, “Don’t ever show it to your partner”

12. Turn down any relationship that will not accommodate your spouse

13. When he/she will come to show you a new dress and then asks for your kind comment

14. If you are caught in any of these traps, seek counsel.

15. Fast and pray yourself out.

Art of Love
Sex Angel -Immoral Lyceenne- part1 (manga)
Immoral Tales

Secrets Of Marriage: Learn To Forgive Your Spouse

The closer you are to someone, the more likely you are to step on their toes. And being married to someone certainly puts you in close quarters. So the chances are good that you and your spouse have sore feet. The point is that it's normal for you and your spouse to err and for those "misses" to cause hurt...sometimes serious hurt. Did your spouse hurt you? Have you made mistakes that hurt your spouse? Except in the case of physical abuse, you can "move on" from anything. In fact, your marriage can end up even better!

I know...you're probably thinking, "Better? How could it be better than before we screwed up?" It can be better, but you have to do one thing first. You have to forgive. What does it really mean to forgive?

Many people will say, "I forgive you," but continue to harbor anger in their heart. Some people say the words, but it's obvious from their actions that nothing's changed. Other people will say "I forgive you" but what they really mean is, "I don't want to talk about this. I can't deal with this. I'm turning you off." And so the 3 magic words come out and form a wall that shuts out their spouse. True, they're not angry, but that's because they've shut down all emotion and refuse to reconnect.

Saying "I forgive you" is an entirely different ball game than truly forgiving. Look carefully at the word "FORGIVE." It tells you what it means. "FOR-GIVE"...in other words, to  GIVE as you did beFORE. That's true forgiveness. When you GIVE of yourself like you did beFORE you were hurt, then you know you've forgiven. When you stand as close to your spouse as you stood the day your feet got stepped on...that's forgiveness.

That's not easy to do. But it is possible. You can forgive each other and move on. And once you forgive, you'll see that your marriage will be better than it was before. You'll be happy that the mistake was made (in a strange way) because you'll realize that you would never have achieved the love you finally did without that mistake as your catalyst.

Did you know that when a broken bone heals it's stronger than it was before it was broken? You too can be stronger than before things broke down between you and your spouse. Did you ever make love after a big fight? Did you ever think after you made-up, "Hey, this is great? We should fight more often." (Ha Ha)

 The Marriage Series: Biblical Secrets for a Strong Marriage From Ephesians Chapter 5 

Redneck Secret To A Good Marriage T-Shirt 

The Secret Of A Happy Marriage Remains A Secret - Refrigerator Magnets 7x2 in 

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Personalized Touching and Heartfelt Poem for Wedding - 10 Secrets for a Successful Marriage . . . Poem on 11 x 14 inches Double Beveled Matting (Blue On Gold) 

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People share with me their relationship stories that took years to unfold in a couple of short paragraphs. And then end with, "What should I do?" In most cases, it took years for their marriage to give birth to this question and the cause of their circumstances lies in the roots of their marital and personal scripting.

Nonetheless, they want an answer.

And you thought you had a tough job!

In this era of high-speed internet, it's quite common for people to want to "microwave" their marriage to renewal. That will never work. When it comes to THINGS, you can be efficient. When it comes to relationships, there are no short cuts. It takes time.

Ironically, the search for a quick answer to your marital situation delays the process you will eventually have to go through. When it comes to your marriage, slow is fast and fast is slow. In other words, if you try to go too fast and skip-over the necessary steps, you'll slow down the whole process. But if you go slow and rebuild your marriage one step at a time...that's the fastest way.

I know you have questions. Good questions. Deep questions. But give those questions the respect they deserve. Give yourself the time and resources it takes to formulate lasting answers. Don't waste your time looking for a quick fix. It's the slow road to repairing your marriage.

I will like to recommend to you, the Marriage Fitness Tele-Boot Camp, which takes you step-by-step through the process of renewing your marriage. The answer to the various questions is not an email; it's a course! It's the Marriage Fitness Tele-Boot Camp. That's the answer.

Get help for your marriage, attend the Marriage Fitness Tele-Boot Camp today!

STOP EMAILING YOUR SPOUSE

Are you trying to get heard? Do you feel ignored? Is your spouse not responding to your communication? We live in an interesting time. With one click, you can communicate with anyone in the world. It's easy, quick, and free. You even have options. If you don't want to click, you could dial, beep, page, instant-message, or Fed Ex.

You know what's killing marriages these days? Email! More and more I'm seeing husbands and wives resort to email to communicate with each other. You want to do something tangible today to improve your marriage? Stop emailing your spouse! Email is for information. But in a marriage you've got to HEAR each other. And I don't mean hear the sounds of each other's words. You've got to be able to hear the silence between the sounds and interpret the unspoken meaning of pressed lips or teary eyes. You've got to be able to hear the shapes and sounds in each other's heart. You can NOT accomplish this via email.

It's true. Your ability to communicate with the outside world has become increasingly easy. But my guess is that your ability to communicate with your spouse has become increasingly difficult. 

The reason for this is that most people confuse information communication with personal communication. Technological advancements give us all sorts of options to communicate information. But how do you feel the pulse of someone's soul? How do you communicate the subtleties in your heart? You can't text message that. You can have the latest and greatest in communication gadgets, but it won't matter. Personal communication is a whole different ball game. And it's personal communication that determines the success or failure of your marriage.

I want to be clear about something; you can't do it with communication techniques either. There's no clinical communication therapy that can help you and your spouse think each other's thoughts, feel each other joy, and cringe from each other's pain. The world is filled with casualties of traditional communication strategies. If you're like most people with marriage trouble, you've been down that path and you know that it does NOT work.

Creating love in your marriage paves the way for effective communication. I'll prove it to you. Think about when you fell in love. How was your communication? Good, right? In fact, when you're in love, you communicate with the wink of an eye and you can finish each other's sentences. And yet you haven't known each other that long and you haven't learned any communication techniques.

Listen carefully. Communication has very little to do with techniques or knowledge of each other. It has everything to do with the depth of connection between the communicators. The question you should be asking is NOT, "How do I communicate effectively with my spouse." The question you should be asking is, "How do I connect with my spouse again?" Once you reconnect, you won't be sitting in silence in the basement. You'll hear the sound of the pipes from above. It'll be your spouse. You were heard.  

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STOP YOUR SPOUSE BEHAVIOR THAT IS DESTROYING YOUR MARRIAGE: PART 1

Is your spouse having an AFFAIR, hooked on POR-N, addicted to DRUGS or ALCOHOL, a WORKAHOLIC, too emotionally close to an OPPOSITE SEX FRIEND, or OBSESSIVE about a hobby or activity? How do you get your spouse to STOP behavior that's destroying your marriage?

Is your marriage in trouble? Author of Marriage Fitness featured on national TV tells you how to turn your marriage around.

Giving an ultimatum is an interesting idea. I bet a friend or family member even suggested it. I'm sure it's crossed your mind. Maybe it was even advised by your counselor. But will it work?

If you want your spouse to stop that marriage destroying behavior, do NOT give your spouse an ultimatum. It will NOT work. Let me explain why. And let me explain how YOU CAN get your spouse to end their affair or stop their addictive or obsessive behavior. 

Marriage
Fitness Tele-Boot Camp, begins February 11

In a sense, it's empowering to think, and even say to your spouse, "Your behavior is unacceptable. And if it doesn't stop, I'm leaving you." An ultimatum offers the ultimate role

reversal. It puts you, the victim, in control. Understandably, that's appealing. And there's no

doubt that in the SHORT RUN, you'll FEEL better. Just because something FEELS good does NOT mean it is good. The question you have to ask yourself is: Will the LONG TERM effect be good? Will an ultimatum give me the result I want? Will it lead to the renewal of my marriage?

The answer is NO.

Now I know what you're thinking, "Aphys, what about TOUGH LOVE? Don't I have to set borders and boundaries?" If you give your spouse an ultimatum, you'll establish clear RULES for your marriage. You'll set borders and boundaries. But, where will the MOTIVATION come from for your spouse to live by the rules? In other words, the rules will be clear, but why would your spouse WANT to adhere to them?

You see, if your spouse is a sex addict, a workaholic, an alcoholic, having an affair, into porn, or involved in any other type of obsessive or destructive behavior, the problem is NOT a lack of rules; it's a lack of MOTIVATION to live by the rules.

Your spouse knows their behavior is wrong. Even if they won't admit it, even if they justify it, deep down they know that their behavior is immoral and that it's destroying your marriage

and soiling their soul. The problem is that they don't care. The problem is that they lack an

internal MOTIVATION to do the right thing.

Your spouse has to WANT to stop. The key is their inner motivation, their WILL. An

ultimatum imposes rules from the outside; it does nothing to address the lack of motivation on the inside. Bottom line: although giving an ultimatum feels good, it misses your target. Your target is your spouse's inner motivation. And how do you affect someone's inner motivation? The secret is to CONNECT with them. Let me explain.

People who make healthy and meaningful connections with other people feel happy and

fulfilled. (Research proves that the single most important factor that determines happiness in

life is CONNECTEDNESS.) People who lack a real emotional connection with others will grasp at anything in an attempt to fill that void in their life. That's what leads people to sex, drugs, alcohol, hours of mindless TV, falling in love over and over again with new people, or an obsessive commitment to money, success, work, or a hobby. These trappings offer a MOMENTARY filling. But the cause of the emptiness your spouse seeks to fill is a lack of a meaningful CONNECTION in their life.

Continue in part two of this article.

BETWEEN MARRIAGE ANALYSIS AND PARALYSIS

Sex, Love, and Romance in the Mass Media: Analysis and Criticism of Unrealistic Portrayals and Their Influence
Analysis of Marriage Values

Do you think a lot about your marriage? Is that an understatement? Is OBSESS more like it? If you have marriage problems, you probably spend a lot of time and energy THINKING about your circumstances. You've probably analyzed your spouse, your marriage, and what happened to your relationship from every possible angle. And the chances are good that others have weighed-in on your situation too. Have you discussed your problems with a friend, a family member, or a counselor? An astute analysis of your relationship can be helpful. It sometimes leads to problem-solving ideas that work.

Talking about your situation can be helpful too. Most people find it therapeutic. But sometimes the problem with thinking and talking about your marriage so much is that it becomes a substitute for DOING SOMETHING. Analyzing your marriage can be productive, but if you want change, there's nothing like taking ACTION.

The great philosopher Socrates said, "The unexamined life is not worth living." This is very true. But the unlived life is not worth examining! THOUGHT and ACTION are like husband and wife. If you're missing one, you can't have a marriage. Rigorous thinking gives rise to intelligent action. And action gives critical feedback for further thought. Ultimately, it's the combination of the two that leads to clarity and a changed marriage.

Love is articulated in the vocabulary of ACTION. New thoughts and new words are useful when they inspire you to DEMONSTRATE new behavior. Think differently about your marriage and act in a way that will create demonstrative change in your relationship.

How To Unstuck Your Marriage

Do you think a lot about your marriage? Is that an understatement? Is OBSESS more like it? If you have marriage problems, you probably spend a lot of time and energy THINKING about your circumstances. You've probably analyzed your spouse, your marriage, and what happened to your relationship from every possible angle. And the chances are good that others have weighed-in on your situation too. Have you discussed your problems with a friend, a family member, or a counselor? An astute analysis of your relationship can be helpful. It sometimes leads to problem-solving ideas that work.

Talking about your situation can be helpful too. Most people find it therapeutic. But sometimes the problem with thinking and talking about your marriage so much is that it becomes a substitute for DOING SOMETHING. Analyzing your marriage can be productive, but if you want change, there's nothing like taking ACTION.

I once did a series of private phone sessions for someone who had been in therapy for over a year. In our first session, I asked what changes she and her husband implemented since beginning therapy. She said, "Well, no real changes. But I understand our problems much better." I call that "analysis paralysis."

The great philosopher Socrates said, "The unexamined life is not worth living." This is very true. But the unlived life is not worth examining! THOUGHT and ACTION are like husband and wife. If you're missing one, you can't have a marriage. Rigorous thinking gives rise to intelligent action. And action gives critical feedback for further thought. Ultimately, it's the combination of the two that leads to clarity and a changed marriage.

Love is articulated in the vocabulary of ACTION. New thoughts and new words are useful when they inspire you to DEMONSTRATE new behavior. If you're ready to think differently about your marriage and act in a way that will create demonstrative change in your relationship, register for the Marriage Fitness Tele-Boot Camp. It's a 7-week program. Marriage Fitness Tele-Boot Camp will provoke a whole new way of THINKING about your marriage, AND, it will inspire you and guide you to new ACTIONS that will transform your relationship.

Is your marriage in trouble? Get FREE advice. And get a FREE marriage assessment. No strings attached.

If you and your spouse are ready to work on your marriage TOGETHER, then register for the Duo Track. Otherwise, you want the Lone Ranger Track, where you'll learn how to inspire your spouse to join you in an effort to renew your marriage. For more info about either the Duo Track or the Lone Ranger Track, Is your marriage in trouble? Author of Marriage Fitness featured on national TV tells you how to turn your marriage around."

Are you concerned about the cost of flights and transportation? Don't worry about it. This is a TELE experience. You do the entire program from the comfort of your home (or office). All you need is a telephone and a CD player. For details about how this works, click here.

If you can't wait until the next boot camp begins or if you don't have 7 weeks to turn things around, then order... MARRIAGE FITNESS HOME-FLEX A 9-Phase interactive multi-sensory relationship-changing self-guided system that gives you everything you need to transform your marriage. And the best news is . . . you get it all tomorrow! For more Is your marriage in trouble? Get FREE advice. And get a FREE marriage assessment. No strings attached.">information or to order.

If you need help with your marriage, at the very least get yourself the MARRIAGE FITNESS AUDIO LEARNING PROGRAM. It's a 5 CD starter/budget program that you'll find to be an invaluable guide to renewing your marriage. For more info or to order.

If you want to make sure you get future emails from me, take a moment to add dr.aphys.fade@gmail.com to your email address book. That way the email won't get blocked by those crazy spam filters.

Lastly, and I mean this, if you need marriage help but prefer to seek it elsewhere, feel free to ask me and I'd be happy to refer you to other competent sources. This is not about me. It's about YOUR MARRIAGE. And if you're reading this, the chances are very good that you need some external guidance. It's EXTREMEMLY RARE for a couple to successfully work through their marital problems by themselves. You need help! Take ACTION to get it. If you want me to help you, visit:

http://www.MortFertel.com/cmd.asp?af=1080467

If I can refer you to someone else, let me know.

Wishing you well,

Dr. Aphys Fade

Selfish vs. selfless: if you're stuck between trying to get what you want & feeling pressure to let others get what they want, it's time to learn the art ... An article from: Scholastic Choices

How could everything change so dramatically?

Discover The Secret Of Marriage Through Videos And Audios. Your Marriage Can Be Improved Or Saved If You Know The Secret!

I came across this quote today and wanted to share it with you. I think you'll find that it relates to your marital situation. 

"The difficultly with marriage is that we fall in love with a personality, but we must live with a character." - Peter Devries

We can only appreciate the profundity of this statement if we understand what is meant by
CHARACTER.

"Personality" is easy to understand. Your "personality" is how people experience you. It's your public persona. But what is "character?" And why is "character" so crucial in your marriage?

Character is who you are when no one is watching.Let me say that again so you can read it slowly
and really digest it this time. Character is who you are when no one is watching.

You see, when you and your spouse met, you met each other's PERSONALITIES. You showed your spouse and you were shown by your spouse your public personas. I'm not saying you tricked each other. It's just your personality; how you display yourself to others.

But marriage lasts too long in too close quarters for anyone to sustain a public persona. Personalities eventually give way to an INNER SELF that gets revealed for the first time. And there you each stand, naked as if no one is watching. But someone is watching. And that's when you meet for the first time...again!

You and your spouse don't meet the person who charmed each other's friends, bought gifts for each other's parents, and always smiled from ear to ear. No, this time it's a meeting of your CHARACTERS.

In many cases, it's not only that you're meeting each other for the first time, but it's that you're meeting YOURSELVES for the first time. Most people wouldn't be caught dead treating anyone the way they treat their spouse. Most people don't recognize their own behavior. "I'm just not myself with him/her." Well then who is that person? ABU, that's YOU...it's your character. (And your spouse meets their character.)

The reason so many people fail at marriage and an attempt at marriage renewal is NOT that they don't like their spouse. It's that they don't like THEMSELVES. And while everyone else in their life is like a mirror reflecting their personality; their spouse is a mirror reflecting their character. And most people don't like what they see.

Many people would rather choose to be with someone else than remain with their spouse and have to continue to be with themselves. (Did you get that?)

Balthasar Gracian wrote in his 17th century manual on success, The Art of Worldly Wisdom, as
follows: "You are as much a real person as you are deep. As with the depths of a diamond, the
interior is twice as important as the surface. There are people who are all facade, like a house left unfinished when the funds run out. They have the entrance of a palace but the inner rooms of a
cottage." 

Marriage renewal and individual character development go hand-in-hand.

Find out "What to do when one spouse is depressed" in just a couple of days. I am writing that article after this. So, do check back.

Many people who did the Marriage Fitness Tele-Boot Camp told me that it not only restored their marriage, but it was a personal fixing for them too. And, in fact, I think one of the unique aspects of the boot camp is that a person experiences personal growth within the context of renewing their marriage. If you'd like to do the Marriage Fitness Tele-Boot Camp, click on this link: http://tinyurl.com/26v9d7w

Getting the Love You Want Workbook: The New Couples' Study Guide 

The Power of Two Workbook 

Marriage & Family Counseling Workbook