Avoid using your Children as Pawns in your Divorce

Too many adults divorce because they fail to effectively communicate with each other. They still have to remain in contact with each other though due to the children they have results from that marriage. It is very important to avoid using your children as pawns in your divorce though. Too many people do it, and the children are the ones that suffer for it.

Keeping the children from seeing their other parent as a way to get back at them for the hurt they have put you through is common. That is a way that many divorced couples punish each other. Yet the children are the ones who suffer from it because they are missing out on that relationship. Unless the other parent isn’t fit to have the children alone then you need to let them go at the set visitation times.

Many children do miss the other parent when they are staying with one. This can hurt the parent they are with. Yet it is important to understand that children have unconditional love for both of their parents all the time. Allowing the children to call the other parent when they miss them or even as a standard ritual before bed can help to relieve their anxiety. It will also allow them to enjoy their time with each parent more.

While children do need to know what is going on as far as the divorce is concerned, they don’t need to know all of the details. Important issues that have to be discussed between the parents should be done privately. Remember that little ears can hear a great deal so make sure they aren’t even around when you are talking about sensitive issues.

When issues arise that involve your children you will need to work together to resolve them. When the parents are offering the opposite solution just to be difficult it only hurts the child more. For example if you have a high school student that has been cutting school you need to come up with a course of action to make them responsible. If one parent thinks it is a big deal and the other parent doesn’t mind then it become an ongoing issue.

Children of divorced parents are going to follow the guidelines of the parent that is in their favor on set issues. I guess you could say it is one of the few perks that children of divorces couples are able to exercise. Yet this can lead to many more issues down the road. So instead of using the children to drive your ex spouse crazy find ways to work as a team to do what is in the best interest of your children.

Never under any circumstances should you be passing messages to your ex spouse through your children. That isn’t their responsibility and too often these children are being told to say things they don’t want to repeat. You also don’t want to be asking your children for information when they return from a visit.

It is fine to ask them what they did and if they had a good time. However, you will be overstepping the boundaries if you are asking specific questions. They shouldn’t have to tell you what was said, who was around, and other details of their time together with the other parent.

If you are having a hard time coming to terms with your divorce, seek professional counseling. You will be able to work through your emotions and set goals for your future. You don’t want to dwell on what has taken place or suppress your feelings. You want to be able to have a good life and to be there for your children in a positive way. Make sure you always stop t consider how our actions are going to affect your children before you engage in them.

Helping Your Kids Cope with Divorce the Sandcastles Way

Difficult Questions Kids Ask and Are Afraid to Ask About Divorce 

 What in the World Do You Do When Your Parents Divorce? A Survival Guide for Kids 

Standing on My Own Two Feet: A Child's Affirmation of Love in the Midst of Divorce 

  

Behavioural Changes In Marriage Part 1

People always fluctuate in their behavior from day to day and we all have had our times in which we acted rude to people, and had the pleasure of having the reverse happen as well. Kay Redfield Jamison an international guru of about mood disorders has had her share of mood swings during her times.  For years she kept this extreme psychological disorder a secret in which she had moods that switched from being super excited known as mania, to times that she was lethargic and depressed. She actually wrote a book about these events and tells about it in more detail. 

By the way, the disorder was known as bipolar disorder and effects many people around the world. With determination, a strong will, and support from her family and friends she overcame her struggles and continue to teach about psychological disorders to this day.  I know that you're probably wondering what are the types of characteristics of deviant or abnormal behavior? Well, one way abnormal behavior can be diagnosed is with some common symptoms.  It may surprise you that there are about 40 million Americans that are affected by some type of psychological disorder. 

You may think of a psychological disorder as what the main character had in the movie "A beautiful Mind." In essence you are right but there are a lot more other characteristics involved and a psychological disorder can also be defined by having an addiction to a substance like alcohol or drugs.  To fully understand psychological disorders an individual must analyze abnormal behavior. Let's take a look at three different case studies.

* A twenty six year old woman named Helena has a need to walk in a specific way. When she is walking on the street in the public she believes that if she steps on certain cracks she will have bad luck, but in order to reverse that bad luck she has to turn around and walk back a block. She doesn't like to do this much so she often stay home and pay people to go and pick up her groceries and other needed items.
*  A thirty five year old woman has recently got a divorce from her husband who she has been previously married to for eleven years and has two children with. Her husband have left her for her best friend and she is going back to college to continue her education so she can earn some more money to better support her children. She has a hard time struggling with school work and has grown separate from her friends and colleagues. A lot of the time she doesn't feel like doing much and tends to cry a lot at nigh time. She also has a more pessimistic view in life and doesn't believe in true love anymore.
* A thirty year old man named Don has to have things arrange in his house a certain way. Even though he is wealthy enough to afford a maid he constantly has to rearrange things in his house after she leaves. He sweeps the floor and wipes off tables even though she has done that before.

Most people would say that the behavior of all of these individuals are abnormal, but are all of them bizarre? That's a common myth about behavior, because people will automatically assume that abnormal behavior is bizarre and it's not necessary true.  Take the women in the second case study described even though her behavior is abnormal it is not necessary bizarre. A lot of times people with abnormal behavior cannot easily be distinguished from people with normal behavior.  Also, just because a person currently has a mental disorder doesn't mean that they will always have it.  

Interracial Marriages

There may be many times in your life when you think you may be facing a marriage crisis, and you want to know what you can do to save your marriage. Not all marriages are savable, and some should not be. When it comes to abuse, infidelity, or abandonment, divorce might be the only option. Other than that, however, it is in your best interest to try to work though a marriage crisis and save your marriage. You have many places to turn, and if one thing does not work, something else might.

A marriage crisis can be anything that makes you think your marriage is in trouble. For some people, something has happened to make them feel this way, and for others, it has a been a long, slow decline that leads them to think it’s time to fix it, or it is time to go. Some people let the small stuff go until it bottles up so much there is an exposition. This explosion can lead to a very serious marriage crisis if things are not sorted out quickly. If abuse has not been an issue, most marriages can be saved if intervention happens at an early stage.

If you want to save your marriage, talk to a professional marriage counselor. They are well versed in marriage crisis, and they have special steps they take to get you and your partner talking in a productive manner. You can argue all you want, but unless you are forced to see the things as they really stand, you are just moving further and further away from each other, and your hopes of reconciliation will be doused for good. A good counselor will help you decide what your major issues really are, and will help you work through them individually and together as a couple.

A Smart Woman's Guide To Dating, Relationships & Break Ups.Click Here!

You can also find self-help books on the subject. These books are geared towards couples that do not yet have a marriage crisis, but feel they are on the road to one. These offer practical information on how to open up the lines o communication with your spouse, and how to find the root of your troubles. You may be arguing about money a lot, but do you know that you may really be arguing about something else? Quite often, the thing couples in a marriage crisis argue about are not what is at the heart of the problem. These books can help you clear that up.

How to Be a Woman and Not Die in the Attempt

Nagging Situations And Spouses’ Reactions To Them

How to Be the Almost Perfect Husband: By Wives Who Know

Here are some situations where spouses have been found to continuously nag, and the reactions of their partner to counter the repulsive behaviour. The names have been changed for obvious reason.

1. The busy schedules of Paul and Britney leave them with little or no time to savour each other’s company during the week. As a result, they are restricted to visiting each other only on weekends. This has been their routine for at least six months, but Britney no longer looks forward to spending time with her fiancé during the weekends when they are off work.

Hear Britney, “when we met, he did not strike me as someone who nags until few months into our relationship when I noticed this unusual habit. He would whine tirelessly if I as much as drop a plate hastily or if I do not shut the door properly. It becomes worse if I forget to pick up his clothes at the laundry. Sometimes the whining would go on for days and he would not relent until he chooses to.”

What Britney did was to at first spend less time with Paul, and after a while when things did not changed, she quit the relationship. I can’t imagine any girl getting married to a man who nags at every opportunity. Choose wisely if you are in similar relationship.

2. Now, how about Joy and Jake. Joy is adept at grumbling and Jake makes no pretence about her now frequent dissatisfaction. Hear Jake, “one day I went to her house and she was upset I arrived a few minutes later than I promised to. I explained to her that there was a bit of hold-up on the road. I spent the next few hours pacifying her, yet she would not bulge. In the few days after the incident, she reminded me of that particular incident and many others more times than I can accurately recollect. At the end, I ditched her.”

3. Micheal appears to be in the same boat with Jake. “Vanessa is becoming a pain in the neck. Sometimes I am afraid to make a stopover at either her office or residence because she nearly always has something to find fault with. The last time I was in her office, she picked a fight with me because I did not bring her lunch from her favourite restaurant. All my pleas that I did not have enough money to cover the expenses fell on deaf ears. That was the last straw, I stayed away from her and did not return any of her several calls. God, it was difficult, but I cannot get married and be afraid to come home after work or keep looking after my back all the time.”

4. “My man is desperately seeking a fight and I am going to give it to him,” says Laola. “I do not like the fact that he seems not to agree with everything I do. He criticises my actions all the time and he does not spare me even if strangers are around. I have told him many times not to speak to me rudely in public but he won’t listen. May be it’s because I keep quiet anytime it happens. I am determined that the next time there is a repeat of such, I will have no option but to give it back to him. I don’t know how long I can continue to suffer in silence.”

If your relationship is in anyway similar to these situations above, you need to take a stand. Evaluate the direction your relationship is going, is it the direction you want? If not, what effort have you put in to change it? Where the efforts have not resulted in positive changes, may be it is time to quit. If you are already getting troubles from your partner in your relationship, don’t keep hoping that things will change- when infact, it is getting worse, it will not change after your marriage.

How could everything change so dramatically?

I came across this quote today and wanted to share it with you. I think you'll find that it relates to your marital situation.

"The difficultly with marriage is that we fall in love with a personality, but we must live with a character."
- Peter Devries

We can only appreciate the profundity of this statement if we understand what is meant by CHARACTER."Personality" is easy to understand. Your "personality" is how people experience you. It's
your public persona. But what is "character?" And why is "character" so crucial in your marriage?Character is who you are when no one is watching.Let me say that again so you can read it slowly and really digest it this time. Character is who you are when no one is watching.

You see, when you and your spouse met, you met each other's PERSONALITIES. You showed your spouse and you were shown by your spouse your public personas. I'm not saying you tricked each other. It's just your personality; how you display yourself to others.

But marriage lasts too long in too close quarters for anyone to sustain a public persona. Personalities eventually give way to an INNER SELF that gets revealed for the first time. And  there you each stand, naked as if no one is watching. But someone is watching. And that's when you meet for the first time...again!

You and your spouse don't meet the person who charmed each other's friends, bought gifts for each other's parents, and always smiled from ear to ear. No, this time it's a meeting of your CHARACTERS.

In many cases, it's not only that you're meeting each other for the first time, but it's that you're meeting YOURSELVES for the first time. Most people wouldn't be caught dead treating anyone the way they treat their spouse. Most people don't recognize their own behavior. "I'm just not myself with him/her." Well then who is that person? ABU, that's YOU...it's your character. (And your spouse meets their character.)

The reason so many people fail at marriage and an attempt at marriage renewal is NOT that they don't like their spouse. It's that they don't like THEMSELVES. And while everyone else in their life is like a mirror reflecting their personality; their spouse is a mirror reflecting their character. And most people don't like what they see.Many people would rather choose to be with someone else than remain with their spouse and have to continue to be with themselves. (Did you get that?)

Balthasar Gracian wrote in his 17th century manual on success, The Art of Worldly Wisdom, as
follows: "You are as much a real person as you are deep. As with the depths of a diamond, the
interior is twice as important as the surface. There are people who are all facade, like a house left unfinished when the funds run out. They have the entrance of a palace but the inner rooms of a
cottage."

Marriage renewal and individual character development go hand-in-hand.Find out "What to do when one spouse is depressed" in just a couple of days. I am writing that article after this. So, do check back.

Many people who did the Marriage Fitness Tele-Boot Camp told me that it not only restored their marriage, but it was a personal fixing for them too. And, in fact, I think one of the unique aspects of the boot camp is that a person experiences personal growth within the context of renewing their marriage. If you'd like to do the Marriage Fitness Tele-Boot Camp, click on the link below:

http://www.MortFertel.com/cmd.asp?af=1080467 

MARRIAGE IS FOR GROWNUPS a Mature Approach to problems in Marriage

Islamic View On Wife Beating

According to Quran the relationship between the husband and wife should be based on mutual love and kindness. Allah says: "And among His Signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that ye may dwell in tranquillity with them, and He has put love and mercy between your (hearts): verily in that are Signs for those who reflect."

Where there is a problem relating to the wife's behaviour, the husband may exhort her and appeal for reason. In most cases, this measure is likely to be sufficient. In cases where the problem persists, the husband may express his displeasure in another peaceful manner, by sleeping in a separate bed from hers.

There are cases, however, in which a wife persists in bad habits and showing contempt of her husband and disregard for her marital obligations. Instead of divorce, the husband may resort to another measure that may save the marriage, at least in some cases. Such a measure is more accurately described as a gentle tap on the body, but never on the face, making it more of a symbolic measure than a punitive one.

Quran is very clear on this issue. Almighty Allah says: "Men are the protectors and maintainers of women, because Allah has given the one more strength than the other, and because they support them from their means. Therefore, the righteous women are devoutly obedient and guard in the husband's absence what Allah would have them to guard. As to those women on whose part you fear disloyalty and ill-conduct, admonish them (first),(next), refuse to share their beds, (and last) beat them (lightly); but if they return to obedience, seek not against them means (of annoyance); for Allah is most High and Great (above you all). If you fear a breach between them twain, appoint (two) arbiters, one from his family and the other from hers. If they wish for peace, Allah will cause their reconciliation; for Allah has full knowledge and is acquainted with all things."
(Quran: An-Nisaa 34-35) .

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A Smart Woman's Guide To Dating, Relationships &
Break Ups.Click Here!

Discover Marital Bliss & Stop Divorce.Click Here!

Stupid Reasons Why Men Beat Their Wives

“MEMPHIS, Tenn. - An illegal immigrant and convicted felon made his first court appearance Wednesday in Bartlett. He's charged with beating and raping his wife, in front of their children.

Turner Valley RCMP were called to the Eden Valley reserve Jan. 21 by a woman suffering from stab wounds cuts and bruises. She told police her common-law husband came home

drunk and began an attack that lasted eight hours. During that time she was stabbed and cut as she tried to defend herself from the knife-wielding man. She also had a glass smashed on her head and was kneed and punched in the head and body.”

Documentation of family violence dated back to the Roman Empire and the Middle Ages. The writings revealed wife beating was a common method used to administer punishment to women. Punishment resulted from women’s voicing of opinions, showing anger,

disobeying their husband, or choosing to escape the drudgery of their life’s existence.

Men have beaten women for centuries and have avoided the severe and just consequences for

their actions. Domestic violence has been an acceptable, clandestine method of behaviour. In primitive societies, women had great power in clans and held honourable and esteemed positions. Their power resulted from their ability to create life. However, through the passing of civilizations, women soon realized that the threat of rape and economic survival were realistic factors forcing them in to seek monogamous relationships.

Fight for the Agreement 

Intimate Enemy: How to Fight Fair in Love and Marriage 

With monogamy, a restructuring of the family hierarchy was challenged. The father became head of the household. Strict moral demands were placed on women; however, the male had the same privileges of polygamy and infidelity. An elevated almost saint-like power was bestowed upon the male in the home. A woman’s activities were heavily guarded in order to authenticate her husband’s honour or integrity.

Today the story is no different; men have continued to beat their wife even for flimsy excuses. Men held the opinions that they alone, had intelligence and integrity, deserving respect. Hence, women were denigrated, considered unworthy, deceptive, lacking intelligence, and inferior. Men were allowed to slap, shove, bite, pinch, throw objects, and pull women’s hair. The men folks have beaten their wife for the following reasons:

·         To show male dominance

·         To cover up for their incompetence

·         Bear their frustrations of life

·         Just bullish

·         To quieten the wife from expressing their opinion

·         To cover up for infidelity in their marriage

·         To subdue their wife

·         Drunkenness and drug addiction

·          Uncontrolled anger and annoyances

·         Wife’s refusal of sex

·         Jealousy of wife’s success and influence

·         A wife’s disrespect and disregard for her husband

·         Nagging and repeated demand by wife for things her husband could not provide.

    

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