About To Wed? Know Your Partner

Sometimes, it is surprising (and embarrassing) that would-be couple, who are preparing for their wedding ceremony in a few months away, do not know much about the other person. Some are not even very sure why they want to marry and what they want in marriage.

Every necessary information, if available, is needed by couples who have lived an independent life in the past twenty or thirty years, under different parental and cultural backgrounds, attended different schools, perhaps growing up in different religious backgrounds, and have developed different core-values of likes and dislikes in life.

The real essence of making inquires during the courtship and the pre-courtship stage of marriage relationships is to have maximum information about the other partner. Some partners take this for granted. Others know little or nothing about the other person’s medical history much less of his or her regular habits and means of livelihood. And all this information arms the couple with the essential knowledge-base in handling issues in marriage, especially in the area of communication and adjustments.

Beauty and sex are not enough. They do not erase mental and spiritual incompatibility. The inner person is more important than the outward appearance. As charm may be false, so can prettiness may be vain.

So, efforts must be made by person’s getting married to learn about each other. This will help the marriage in the formation of a happy married life.

GOOD RELATIONSHIP: CONVERSATION CAN HELP

A single conversation across the table with your partner on things that will benefit your relationship is worth more than a month’s study of books, articles or even expert advises on how to better your relationship.

Many people complain, ”My partner never talks to me”. The fault may be theirs. However, many times their partners want to talk with them, but they don’t make it easy for them. In what way?, you may want to ask.

As a woman in a relationship, ask yourself whether you fit any one of these descriptions:

First, a woman who interrupts her husband. For example, her partner wanting to tell her how his day went, starts, ‘honey you’ll never guess what happened at work……..’ He never gets any further, she interrupts him with, “how did you get that spot on your coat?”

Or perhaps, they are conversing with friends and he is relating an experience, but leaves out some of the details or doesn’t get them all exactly right. His partner puts in, first to correct the flaws, and then round up the story. Before long he takes a deep breath and says, “why don’t you tell it.”

Second. A woman who encourages her partner to talk. Trying to appear casual, but bursting with curiosity, she asks: ‘where were you?’ ‘who was there?’ Not the routine things of life, but those that seems to be confidential, are the ones that intrigues her. Perhaps some of it is information that are partner should not have divulged. Where she keeps such information to herself, not telling any other person, her partner will feel free about talking to her, all the time. She pieces together, the bits of information about her partner and use it for the betterment of their relationship.

Third. A woman who is not much of a talker herself. She knows how to do the necessary work around the house. But she seldom has more than a few words to say. Anyone who tries to converse with her has to do all the talking. Efforts at conversation with her fall flat. But changes can be made. The art of conversation can be learned. If a woman does worthwhile reading and kind deeds for other people, she will have up building things to share with her mate. Successful conversation requires sharing. It also requires respect- enough respect to let him finish, say it his own way, and to know when there is a confidence to be kept.

Therefore, instead of complaining that your partner seldom talks to you, why not try to make it a pleasure for him to do so? Be interested in the things that he does. Listen intently when he speaks. Let your response reflect the warm love and deep respect that you have for him. Be sure that the things you talk about are of a positive, up building nature. You may soon find that conversation is a pleasure to both of you.

ABOUT TO WED? – KNOW YOUR PARTNER CHART

Each marriage partner is expected to answer the following questions (on a separate sheet) as it relates to the other partner. Let it be done separately and sincerely. Score your partner at the end of the exercise. Be guided by the result before you take the marriage vow. I wish you good luck!

1. His/ her full name……………………………………………………….
2. Date of birth…………………………………………………………….
3. Country/ State……………………………. City………………………..
4. His/ her parents: Married……. Or Divorced………… or Seperated……..(Tick)
5. Parents’ Religion Or Denomination ( Anglican, Roman Catholic, etc)…..
6. Number of brothers and sisters (from the same father)…………………
7. Number of brothers and sisters (from the same mother)…………………
8. His /her position in the family as……….child and………….boy/girl.
9. Academic level/ schooling so far…………………………………………
10. Present job/career/business……………………………………………….
11. Do you have an idea of his/her average periodic income/salary/profit? Yes or No.
12. When was the first time you met him/her that led to this marriage relationship?….
13. List the qualities that made you decide to marry him/her (atleast three).
14. List the weaknesses/ bad habits you have observed in him/ her (atleast three)
15. What are his/ her major dislikes (observed so far)
16. In other people’s marriage you have observed, what are your greatest fears in marriage generally? List three.

Total score………………….

ABOUT TO WED? – ARE YOU COMPARTIBLE

If you understand all the needs of body, mind and spirit, do you know whether your prospective mate also understands them? You must not only know your own particular needs for happiness in marriage but also discern the needs of your mate. You surely want your mate to be happy also. Unhappiness for one will mean unhappiness for both.

Many marriage ends up in unhappiness or divorce on the grounds of incompatibility. The importance of incompatibility in marriage cannot be over-emphasized. If two persons are not well suited as a team, the going can be difficult. A man and a woman who are not
well matched and yet teamed up in marriage would only bring hardship upon their marriage.

When mates have different interests, different tastes in friends, and recreational activities, and few things in common, the marital bonds come under great strain. Greater compatibility usually exists between two persons having similar backgrounds. Ofcourse, this does not mean it is advisable to marry very close or distant relatives, but family backgrounds do have much to do with the set of values people have.

When the backgrounds of both partners are similar, they usually find it easier to grow in love. However, persons with different backgrounds and origins can also make good adjustments in marriage, especially if both are mature emotionally.

Notwithstanding all the precautions taken, you must still remember this: Compatibility between two persons will never be perfect. Both will have shortcomings. Some they may discern before marriage; some they will become aware of later. What then?

It is not the shortcomings that themselves that makes marriages fail, but it is how the partner feels about them. Can you see that the good outweighs the flaws, or do you focus on the bad and harp on that? Are you flexible enough to make allowances, just as you need and want allowances to be made for you? Do you have this kind of love for the one you contemplate marrying? If not, it would be better for you not to marry that person.

What Love Really Means

Love may be based on many things- physical attraction, family relationship or mutual enjoyment of another’s companionship. However, to be of value, love must go beyond affection or mutual attraction and be governed by what is for the highest good of the loved one.

That kind of love can even call for reproving or discipline, as a parent might do with a child. Feelings and emotions are there, of course, but they are not allowed to overrule wise judgement or right principles in dealing with others.

Here are some of what love means and what love is not:

1.      Love is long-suffering and kind. Are you long-suffering with your mate? Even when a situation tends to provoke, and perhaps unfair accusation are made, do you exercise restraint?

2.       Love does not approve of wrongdoing, but it is not ‘picky’. It is not impatient. It takes into account extenuating circumstances. And even in serious matters, it is ready to forgive.

3.      Love is not jealous: It is difficult to live with a mate who is jealous without genuine cause. Such jealousy is suspicious, and overly possessive. It is childish and restrains the other person from being natural and friendly around others. Happiness is in giving freely, not in meeting a jealous demand.

4.      Love does not brag or get puffed up: Many people do brag, but very few people like to hear bragging. Infact, it may embarrass anyone who knows the braggart well. While some people brag by talking about themselves in a boastful manner, others accomplish the same thing in another way- they criticise and run down others, and by comparison, this tends to elevate them above their victims. Belittling one’s mate is really a way of bragging about oneself.

5.      Love does not behave indecently. There are many things that are strikingly indecent such as cheating, drunkenness and fits of anger. All of these cause damage to marriage. Rudeness, vulgar speech and actions as well as neglecting personal cleanliness, all show a lack of decency.

6.      Love those not look for its own interests. It is not self-centred. Approaching situations with the best interests of both at heart will help you to say the right things. By fighting down the impulse to continue an argument and prove yourself right, you can gain a victory in favour of love.

7.      Love rejoices with the truth: It does not think it clever to deceive one’s mate- whether as to the use of one’s time, the spending of money, or in one’s association. It does not employ half-truths in order to appear righteous. Dishonesty destroys confidence. For there to be genuine love, both of you must rejoice to communicate the truth.